3 Examples of Toxic Femininity

By now, we are all familiar with the term “toxic masculinity”. Toxic masculinity is certainly a problem but I believe that toxic femininity is also a problem that is not discussed as much. Toxic femininity is not as loud or violent as toxic masculinity, however, it is still harmful.

Much like how toxic masculinity is the result of unhealthy beliefs about manhood, toxic femininity is the result of unhealthy beliefs about womanhood.

Below are 3 examples of toxic femininity:

1. Relational Aggression

Relational Aggression is a form of aggression that uses social exclusion to hurt another person. Anyone who encountered mean girls in high school knows what relational aggression looks like.

Relational aggression manifests in excluding someone from social events, spreading nasty rumors about someone, or giving back-handed compliments. Basically, relational aggression can be summed up as “you can’t sit with us.”

Being excluded from a social group is extremely painful. Especially for adolescent girls whose primary form of bonding is through verbal communication. Being excluded from their peer group can leave permanent emotional scars.

Girls and women are more likely to engage in relational aggression than boys and men. This is because girls and women are usually taught to be “lady-like” and rarely express themselves through physical violence so they find other ways to lash out.

Relational aggression is harder to combat than violent aggression because relational aggression is covert. Relational aggression is a form of passive aggression. Engaging in this behavior allows a girl or woman to maintain an image of femininity and agreeableness while still harming others.

If girls and women were taught how to express their frustrations in healthy ways, like through assertiveness, maybe they wouldn’t lash out through passive-aggressive ways like relational aggression.

2. Bridezillas

A bridezilla is a bride-to-be who will stop at nothing to have the perfect wedding day even if it means abusing everyone else around her.

Bridezillas have become known for making unreasonable demands. Take, for example, the Facebook post that went viral in 2018 of the bride who demanded that each of her guests pay $1,500 to attend her wedding or the bride who ended friendships with guests who couldn’t afford to spend $3,000 to attend her destination wedding.

It is easy to laugh at bridezillas and write them off as petulant divas but there is something deeper going on here.

Women are socialized since childhood to believe that their wedding day is the most important day of their lives. Not the day they graduate from college, not the day they get their first promotion, but their wedding day.

For some heterosexual women, her wedding marks her as finally having worth because a man decided that she had worth. Her worth is quite literally determined through the cost of the ring, the cost of her dress, and the cost of the entire wedding itself.

If we stopped teaching girls that their worth is directly tied to how expensive their wedding is, perhaps, bridezillas would no longer exist.

3. Damsels in Distress AKA “Karens”

Women have fought for decades to be seen as equals to men and the fight is still not over. Because women have been seen as inferior to men for thousands of years, some women try to use this harmful myth to their advantage.

Being a “damsel in distress” occurs when women pretend to be dumb or helpless to get out of taking accountability for their actions. This kind of behavior not only hurts the credibility of the woman pretending to be a damsel in distress but it hurts the credibility of all women as well.

The most famous example of a damsel in distress can be seen in women who exhibit Karen-like behavior. Last year, I published an article about the Karen meme and why there is no male equivalent to a Karen. This is what I wrote:

“Karen memes usually involve seeking the help of an authority figure of some kind (the manager, the police, etc.) The Karens in these scenarios claim that they are being harmed and need protection from a person in power. In this way, Karens present themselves as damsels in distress and this same behavior from a man is perceived as weak, and therefore, “feminine.” (source).

Karens are dangerous because their status as privileged white women puts them in a position where they can easily harm others, such as people of color, and get away with it.

There are numerous examples of toxic femininity. The 3 examples I have provided here are only scratching the surface. Toxic femininity is the result of toxic masculinity and vice versa. One cannot exist without the other.