Why Equity Is The Key To Happy, Healthy Relationships

I believe that equity is the root of all things good and bad in a relationship and that either comes from having equity or lacking it. Allow me to tell you why.

I have been in a wonderful relationship for over four years, and we have never had one fight, one argument, or any built up resentment (key phrase alert) and when people are astonished to hear that and ask me “What’s your secret?” I shrug and say “Equity,” and they look confused.

Equity is fair and impartial balance. When you feel like you are not getting out of something what you are putting into it, you begin to question why you are doing it in the first place. Remember that built up resentment I mentioned earlier? That happens as a result of lack of equity.

Before I dive deeper into this, let me honestly say that I do not want you to think that my relationship is picture perfect and romance novel-esque. My other half and I both have our own individual issues, and we both get grumpy sometimes and maybe things come out wrong when we’re unhappy. But we have never, ever raised our voices at one other or called each other names or stormed out on each other. I have a history of mental health issues so sometimes I just need to be alone with my thoughts, and he understands that. But we have healthy debates with an open mind if we disagree, and we never, even playfully, roll our eyes at each other or act condescendingly towards one another.

Now that that is out of the way, equity is the ground that all other qualities in a relationship stand on, from my experience. I have read countless articles about how communication is the key to happy relationships but typically, that means that something is wrong in the relationship that needs to be communicated. Most arguments in relationships stem from one member feeling underappreciated. Maybe one member always does the dishes and wants the other member to help out more often instead of just saying thank you, if they even do that. Or maybe one member always pays at restaurants and is beginning to build up inner anger because they the other member will not help pay. Maybe one member bought the other something incredible and thoughtful for their birthday but did not receive an equally great gift in return when their birthday came around. All these examples and thousands more have an underlying theme and that is lack of equity.

The key to resolving these issues is to make sure that both members of the relationship are performing their fair share of responsibilities in the relationship so that neither member is left feeling invisible. Responsibilities include all things in the relationship that needs to be done such as financial management (bills, rent/housing, groceries, child care, etc,), housework (dishes, laundry, sweeping/mopping/vacuuming, tidying, taking out the garbage, etc.), cooking, taking care of pets, helping children with schoolwork, and even simply giving thanks to the other member for performing any of these duties.

This all boils down to what psychologists refer to as reciprocity- humans have a tendency to feel obligated to return what we receive from others. This happens with every person you encounter, not just people you know. We have this inner feeling of indebtedness when we either do a favor for someone, or they do a favor for us. If your neighbor asks to borrow your lawnmower, and they return it to you broken, you will feel some hostility towards that neighbor and next time they need a favor, you are less likely to help them. Or, if they return it in good condition, there is an unspoken “you owe me” and your neighbor will most likely feel obligated to help you should you need it. A more common example would be if you hold a door open for a stranger in a store. There is a universal social rule understood by most that says that the stranger should at least say “thank you.” If that does not happen, hostility towards that stranger builds up because they did not reciprocate the polite gesture. If these social norms are prevalent with neighbors and strangers, why not relationships?

Before we continue, let me clarify one thing. A 50/50 split of everything is unrealistic and may lead to problems further down the road. If everything is split evenly, then it becomes more about keeping score and the relationship may start to rely on competition. A fair share should be the goal and is based on understanding what the other person is going through in their life outside of the relationship and accommodating that. For example, I used to have mental health issues that would leave me so depressed that I could not do the household chores (that’s a story for another time). My boyfriend understood that I was not well and covered my portion of the chores until I was better without complaint. Another example is that I know that my boyfriend works longer hours than I do and his job is much more physically demanding. Therefore, I do not mind doing the dishes more often because I know that he is exhausted after work, when I am not.

My SO and I split everything, not always evenly, but we still split everything. Some people have a hard time grasping this concept and even question whether it is tiring keeping score. But we do not think of it as keeping score so much as it just being fair. If we go out, and we took his car last time, this time we will take my car because we both pay individually for our own gas and car maintenance. It is just inconsiderate to only use your SO’s car when yours works perfectly fine. That means that they will have to pay more in the long run to cover gas for every car ride, and they will have to pay more frequently for tire rotations and oil changes and basic car care. The important thing to keep in mind here is that it’s impossible to split evenly but the effort to split is what counts. I don’t track miles driven when my SO and I take my car out. I just know that it is fair to reciprocate the action by taking turns so that one of us does not feel like we are being taken advantage of.

I, personally, have never agreed with the popular custom that boys/men should pay for everything on a date. If I were a man, I know that I would be bitter at the end of the date because I work hard for my money and it is not fair that my date does not have to spend any of her money. My boyfriend and I either split the bill every time we go out to eat or if he pays this time, I’ll pay next time. This was not something that we talked about and agreed upon. It was as simple as me telling him, “Let me pay this time because you paid last time,” when we had first gotten together. After a couple grumbles from him, he agreed, and we have been doing it for over four years.

Splitting finances with him has become so normal that when other people don’t understand it, I don’t understand why they don’t understand. My boyfriend and I went out to dinner with some of his friends who I had never met before and when I put my credit card down to pay for our meal, one of the other girls at the table said extremely sarcastically, “It’s sooo nice for your boyfriend to pay for you!” To which I replied, “He paid last night.” Her response was, “Yay! Equality!” Again, very sarcastically. I nodded my head slowly and just said, “Yeah, exactly,” with the same tone she used. This girl had spent the entire dinner talking about how she expects her boyfriends to shower her with presents and pay for everything, but she refuses to do the same. She also mentioned that she couldn’t seem to have a steady relationship. I wonder why.

The same can be said of compliments. I am sure you have heard of many people, women on average, complaining that their significant other does not compliment them or notice their new hairstyle. When friends come to me with this issue, I ask, “Well, do you compliment him/her?” Usually, I am met with darting eyes and lip biting followed by, “Well…” as they try weasel their way out of answering the question. If you want your partner to call you beautiful or handsome or cute, say it to them too! They might be feeling the same way you do and probably do not compliment you out of a little pettiness. That’s the built up resentment I keep talking about. It can happen over anything, big or small, and the first step to fixing it is to do for them what you want them to do for you. Communication is also important here, but often when one member in the relationship brings up an issue, it is met with an accusatory defense, such as, “Well, you don’t do it either!” Built up resentment.

Equity is not only important for romantic relationships but all other relationships as well.

Friendships

Friendships for example, rely on equity to thrive. If you are always your friend’s ride, and they never offer gas money, you will start to feel more like a chauffeur than a friend. Hostility begins to grow and soon, you will make up excuses to not hang out with them anymore because you feel like you are putting more into the friendship than you are getting out of it. And why would you want to sacrifice your time, energy, and money on someone who only takes from you? What are YOU getting out of the relationship? How does this friendship benefit you? Further inflection may bring an answer that is hard to swallow and that is that the friendship does not benefit you in any way and you may feel like you need to have a serious conversation with the friend or end the relationship. However, if the same situation applies but your friend helps you out in other ways, like caring for your pets while you are away, then that reciprocity makes the friendship worth it because you don’t feel underappreciated and you are also benefiting from the friendship.

Work Relationships

I quit my previous job suddenly because there was no equity among my coworkers and I. I had to do my work plus their work and all they did was complain that I didn’t do it correctly when it was their responsibility to begin with. When you feel like you are picking up someone else’s slack, and they are a) not grateful and b) not contributing to help, bitterness and resentment can begin to grow making the work environment an unpleasant place to be. If you know you’re going to spend eight hours a day working with people who do not appreciate you and will not do their fair share, it makes you not want to go to work. Employees end up lashing out at each other causing problems among themselves, with other employees (usually by gossiping), and with their managers. It is even worse to me when the manager will not contribute what they are supposed to and dumps the entire workload on their employees. Now I work at a company where all but one of my coworkers never has to be told to do their job and our manager works harder than all of us. The only thing the one employee I mentioned does not do is take out the trash at the end of the night and an action as simple as that can end up frustrating the rest of my coworkers, particularly the opener for the next day. When you have to wake up at six in the morning to open the store and you are cranky and exhausted, the trash can being full can put a damper on your whole day. Things can get especially frustrating when it is a task that you, yourself, do on a regular basis. Every one of us at my job takes the trash out every night, so resentment can build when one person refuses to do it.

Equity is the root of relationships.

I believe that with all my heart because I have lived it. For four wonderful years, I have never had serious issues with my partner because we both feel like we are treated equally in the relationship. Balance is the key to avoiding conflicts that may threaten the relationship. As appreciated as a “thank you” may be, it does not compare to having your partner/friend/coworker/etc. contribute to you what you are giving them, in every aspect of the relationship. It takes a lot of burden off your shoulders and helps maintain a peaceful, pleasant, and even happy environment. I am not saying that this will result in completely conflict-free relationships because that is impossible, but it should ease some tension, if not most or all. If your partner is not willing to contribute, then that may not be a good sign of a happy ending.

I hope this article can help anyone who reads it. I am constantly giving relationship advice to peers and this is my most asked question. It has helped many peers of mine and if it could help people on a larger scale, I will be grateful.