What is a platonic life partnership? These couples are breaking societal relationship norms.

People are opting for platonic life partnerships instead of traditional, romantic marriage. Here’s why. April Lexi Lee and Renee Wong have been best friends since they were 12 years old. After supporting each other through the ups and downs of life, school and friends, they took their relationship to the next level by becoming platonic life partners.

When Lee, 24, moved to college from Singapore to Los Angeles, best friends became at a distance but remained emotionally strong. And when the pandemic struck and they both graduated, they felt that "pull" on each other.

“We work so well together. We are such great partners, we support each other and we love each other so much. We never see each other leaving each other, ”says Lee, explaining her line of thought. "So why is this not a stable foundation on which to start a life and have a family and all these things? Why is this not so stable, even more stable than a traditional, romantic marriage?"

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Then it clicked. Wong moved to the United States to become Lee's platonic partner.

"I wasn't even interested in marriage from the start, neither of us was," says Lee. "But then we suddenly saw the future together and thought: 'That fits. I would do this to you.' "

She describes the partnership as "a deep platonic love and also an obligation to one another, like a marriage in which we try to build the next step for our life together". This includes things "typically married couples would do" like raising a family and sharing a bank account to accomplish their home buying goals and more.

April Lexi Lee (right) with her platonic partner Renee.

Why people choose platonic partnerships

For Jay Guercio, 24, a platonic partnership "just made sense" after realizing the alignment of her life goals with her best friend Krystle, who she first met in 2012, and life of “companionship, love, laughter and adventure "had filled. "

"We want to raise children the same way. We have the same ideas about how finances should be. We already work symbiotically," she said. "There is no reason to wait any longer to hopefully find a partner who will get involved in all of the things that happen to be romantic and / or sexual in nature, when it simply made sense to build the life we live together wanted to ."

Fast forward and now they're raising their adoptive son together after being platonically married in November 2020.

Guercio describes a platonic partnership as "a committed relationship with someone that does not involve romance or sex".

Cyndi Darnell, a certified clinical sexologist, therapist and couple counselor, says that platonic partnerships can "absolutely" be as successful as a traditional marriage because "partnership is based on shared values".

"If you want to build a partnership based on values that matter to you as an individual ... I think that's actually a better model than the concept of romance, which we know is capricious," she adds added. "When you rely on something as unreliable as romance for a contract as tough as co-parenting and marriage, those things seem to be diametrically opposed on some level."

Historically, marriage wasn't about love either, she says.

"When we think of the origins of marriage, it was never about love. And certainly not about romance. It was about wealth management."

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Guercio agrees that partnerships, like her own, are designed for "mutual benefit".

“It's about making a conscious decision to live the life you want to live together because these things go together. It's not just about entering into a committed relationship with someone because you have sexual feelings. "

Darnell doesn't see this as a bad way to go.

“If anything, I think it's a much more honest way of looking at marriage. And that doesn't mean that romance is dead, it's not, ”she says, but she feels that romantic ideals are“ spoon-fed ”for us, young ages like to find“ the one ”and influence our attitudes.

"It's deeply rooted in our culture that (romance) is desirable and friendship is seen as less valuable, even though for many of us our friendships last longer than our sexual partnerships.

She mainly sees two groups of people entering into platonic partnerships.

“The boomer generation, who may emerge from a second and third marriage, a lot of them say, 'I don't want to go back to a traditional marriage marriage,'” she explains not necessarily believing the love story because they have seen that in their life, they also say, 'I can make my own rules.' I can make my own decisions about what kind of relationship structure I want to have.

And while a typical marriage may still work for some, for those who don't think it's appropriate, "this revolution is great," explains Darnell, "because it gives us more freedom to reflect on our relational values and to ask ourselves:" What is important to me What kind of relationship do I want to be in? "And romantic love, sexual love doesn't have to be one of them.

That's why it works for Lee and her partner.

"We feel that romantic love is not at the top of the love hierarchy," explains Lee. "We don't feel that romantic love is the most stable or fulfilling to build a life on, and we feel that way for one another with this deep platonic love we have."

No, we 'don't date'

One of the biggest misconceptions platonic partners face is that people think they are romantically involved or will eventually leave the other for a romantic partner. But Lee made it clear that while she and Wong "don't date", that doesn't mean they would leave each other for someone else.

"(Human) assumptions that one of us will find a man and then get married and one day leave the other - that itself is based on the assumption that romantic love is bigger than platonic love and more important, and that's not the way it is how we see love.

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Lee and her partner have their own dating life.

"People we go out with know that we are a package deal and that we are also partners," she explains. “I make it clear very early on that I am not going out with the aspect of marriage. And that doesn't mean I don't want anything long-term or permanent. I can still build deep, emotional, and intimate relationships. Love relationships, but I don't have to share my whole life with them. "

Guercio has also seen people think that their marriage would end if they "fell in love with someone".

“That really bothers me,” she says. "People think that this was a temporary fix or something that I was satisfied with and that is absolutely not something that I was satisfied with.

Stigma surrounding platonic civil partnerships

Darnell says that perhaps the greatest risk in platonic partnerships is "the stigma you have to tolerate from friends and family because your relationship choices aren't that valid".

This can put pressure on the partners to hide the specifics of their situation, which is the path that Guercio has taken.

"We didn't tell anyone we were platonic when we got married ... ..because there was this fear that people wouldn't take us seriously," she says. “There was a fear that people would think that everything would collapse and burn. And honestly, I think our marriage is going better than any other marriage I've seen in the first year.

Darnell says that the idea that a platonic relationship is "strange" or "strange" has to do with our discomfort that relationships are living things that can change and mean different things to different people.

“There are tons of definitions of love, and there are tons of different ways we can look at love,” she explains. Even married or longtime couples who have had “hot and heavy” sexual relationships may find that they're more focused on camaraderie, she adds.

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When Guercio's relationship went viral on TikTok, she discovered a variety of reactions. Some have voiced their confusion while others refer to their videos as their "convenience account".

"To see how we live the life they want to live gives them so much security, visibility and reassurance, it's really wonderful," she says.

Lee's relationship has also attracted attention on TikTok for breaking social norms.

"Your life partner and lover don't have to be the same person," adds Lee. "You won't be the social norm, but that's fine. You are still free to choose which relationship makes you most fulfilling or safest ... Don't be open to what society has told you to take next . "

Other gender pairing partnerships like @ollierose_'s platonic marriage to her husband have also made waves. She has over 1.2 million followers who tune in to find out more about her family.

Darnell believes that platonic marriages will grow in importance in the future.

"It's a new thing that happens in platonic marriage, but my prediction is that it will get more popular when people start realizing that relationships are what you make them.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Platonic Relationships Are Not Just For Friends. You can be for a lifetime.