How to Use Love Languages in Your Relationship

Have you ever noticed how people show their affection and appreciation in different ways? For example, one person may show their love with compliments or hugs, while another person gives gifts as their sign of affection.

What are love languages?

Author and counselor Dr. Gary Chapman outlines five “love languages” that describe the different ways people express and experience love. According to Dr. Chapman, each person has one primary and one secondary love language. These “languages” come into play in all of our interpersonal relationships—with our partner, children, friends and colleagues. 

Why knowing your love language is important.

Because social relationships are an integral part of our overall health and well-being, and effective communication is the foundation that nurtures these connections, it’s worth noting the ways you tend to communicate your respect, care and appreciation for others—and the ways you look to receive this.

Particularly with your spouse or partner, it’s important to understand each other’s love languages so you can “speak the same language” by expressing and receiving love in those ways. It’s certainly helpful to a) know what to look for in terms of how your partner expresses their love, and b) know how to share your love with them in a way they’ll easily see and understand, so your efforts are received.

The 5 love languages

There are five love languages, as defined by Dr. Gary Chapman. Each of us has one primary (and perhaps a secondary) love language—the ways in which we naturally give and receive affection:

1. Words of affirmation

When words of affirmation is your love language, words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

Encouraging, affirming words and compliments. 

For example: “I love you,” “That shirt looks great on you,” or “Thank you for doing the dishes.”

Words of affirmation show your loved one that you notice and appreciate them, just as they are.

2. Quality time

To you, nothing says you’re loved like undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important.  Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

Full, undivided attention for meaningful conversation and shared activities. 

This could be date night, going on a trip together, conversation without the distraction of cell phones, or joining your partner in their favorite hobby—any activity you enjoy together can be considered quality time!

3. Receiving gifts

When you speak this love language, a thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favourite snack after a bad day.

Thoughtful gifts or gestures that show effort, appreciation and care. 

In this language, gifts, no matter the size, show “He/she was thinking about me.”

It could be a bouquet of flowers or special piece of jewelry, or just something you saw and picked up because it made you think of your loved one, or knew it would be something they’d enjoy.

4. Acts of service

Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.

Assistance with tasks to ease burden or stress. 

For example, cooking a meal, doing the laundry or running an errand shows special care and consideration.

Acts of service are a sign of affection and connection, as you attempt to take something off your partner’s place and share that task or burden.

5. Physical touch

Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.

Connection through physical presence and accessibility. 

This can include displays of affection like holding hands, kissing, or hugging, as well as simple physical proximity, such as sitting close to each other on the couch.

How knowing your love language strengthens your relationship

Love languages are really about effective communication.

Once you know what your love language is, you can share with your partner the ways you prefer to give and receive love—both so they know what to look for from you (which means, they’ll feel more “loved”), and so they can be aware of the ways you would appreciate receiving affection from them. And, you’ll also be better able to recognize and feel the affection your partner is expressing towards you.

For example, if your love language is quality time, and your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, you could explain that the best gift you could receive from them is a fun day trip or date night together. They’ll appreciate being able to gift you that gesture, and you’ll appreciate the quality time spent together. 

Do you know your love language?

If you don’t yet know your love language, take the Learn Your Love Language quiz to find your type. 

And if you’re in a relationship, ask your partner to explore their love language as well. Once you know the specific ways you each show (and want to be shown!) love, you’ll be better able to speak each other’s languages.

How love languages can improve your relationships

Most of us have one or two preferred love languages – often different than our significant other's. If you express your love through your preferred love language, the chances are that it goes unnoticed by your partner.

Say that your love language is gifts, and you often surprise your partner with thoughtful gifts. How does it make you feel when they just have a quick look at your thoughtful present? Meanwhile, your partner hardly values gifts but appreciates acts of service. It would mean the world to them if you did chores around the house instead of buying gifts. Is your partner feeling loved?

Learning to speak your partner’s preferred language can drastically strengthen your relationship.